JmeWhyte

And lo’ ITV has decided that what the peo­ple want is more period drama bol­locks. Not con­tent with Down­ton Abbey and its incred­i­ble propen­sity for expo­si­tion [“Oh golly, I can’t be upstairs, I’m a ser­vant and I can’t be on this floor. — Yes, you bet­ter get back down before his Lord­ship finds out.”] they have com­mis­sioned an utter utter by the num­bers pile of wank in Titanic, some­thing they claim is:

Scripted by Julian Fel­lowes the ‘esteemed’ writer behind equally expo­si­tion­tas­tic Gos­ford Park, Titanic tells the story we’ve all heard 34892734 times. Many destroyed James Macaroon’s ver­sion — but Cap­tain, I’ve counted the lifeboats and there don’t seem to be enough — but at least it put to bed any need to tell it again.

The prob­lem with the trailer is that it tells the entire story and negates the need for watch­ing the tripe when it goes live to rap­tur­ous applause and inevitable Twit­ter trend­ing great­ness. NB: All pic­tures have been anno­tated as the source mate­r­ial is incred­i­bly complex.

First up, he’s the arro­gant ship pilot:

Then, the inevitable unlike­able rich:

Obvi­ously, tak­ing a leaf out of DiCappuccino’s poor char­ac­ter, here’s this show’s poor man:

Unfor­tu­nately, expo­si­tion storms back with the girl he bumps into inform­ing him not to use those stairs again. You can guaran­damn­tee that at least 80% of the Tele­vi­sion Event of 2012 will be spent explain­ing the rather fuck­ing obvi­ous class struc­ture of the time. But in case it isn’t abun­dantly clear here are some pho­tos of rich peo­ple not respect­ing the women&children clas­sic, poor trapped like cat­tle and a mil­i­tary man los­ing his shit.

Why would ITV waste the money on this toi­let? There are so many scripts out there, but ITV some­how always get it wrong. Get ready for April when every­one dies on a ship hit by an ice­berg. Tak­ing bets on the final shot being a slow pan out of the bod­ies in the water with a cow­bell inter­mit­tently ring­ing along­side a slow piano.


ITV; refus­ing to break the mold for decades on end. Catch the trailer here