It’s been a way too long day running after clients and while I was hoping to blog about “The Television Event of 2012 — Fuck No” I’m just way too tired to take it seriously (or add pics atm). So in the same vein (vain, weather vane) as The Guardian’s Minute By Minute here is a tracked version of the first episode of Julian Fellowes’ trainwreck
Intro: Stirring music, montage, shoe buffing, poor people in a warehouse sneaking a pic at the doomed vessel
01:34 It’s a prison, poor people talk to a middle class woman. papa comes, guard goes “blah blah rich lady can leave, why not others.”
her dad shoos the guard off.
02:15 oh, lady is a suffragette…that means she’s got opinions. papa and guard face off.
02:45 EXPOSITION EXPLOSION
“But there are davits for 32 lifeboats, why haven’t we used
Fellowes, honestly, 02:45 and like Peter Griffin I’m done.
“The law blah blah exposition blah.…”
03:20 rich men chat, nothing happens, it’s a slow burn…
03:45 EDUCATIONAL FACT
“I heard JP Morgan might not be fit enough to travel”
Awful writing, but here’s the JP Morgan Jesuit conspiracy, which is suitably off the wall.
04:00 Montage, piano, people preparing for voyage, woodwind, we’re on a train… posh girl has more ideas, papa is disparaging. a lawyer rocks up, intros abound… shit is bubbling along nicely, lawyer needs to take papers to New York and, oh…
05:05 We learn the route of the Titanic — it didn’t stop in Ireland.…
Lawyer wife upset with lawyer, papa’s wife is Irish, there is a church service on Sunday… oh .…
“We shouldn’t linger, we don’t have 1st class tickets and the guard will think we’re stowaways”
Fuck off Fellowes, just… fuck off.
Papa feels bad, invites them for tea. Wife says it’s not allowed, obvs cos lawyer is not gentry, but hunch says Anglo Irish relations at a low point, maybe Irish lawyer canne mix… but who cares, this show is just getting started, ship ship ship ahoy!
06:00 more montage and staring at Titanic, i wonder how big it is compared to modern day.
06:45 Right people are on the ship… poor man bumps into girl, “cru?” She gives directions and then
“Next time don’t use these stares”
Yak yak yak
07:15 Cru are getting settled. the poor are very dirty and angry and shouty.
08:10 We’re off, first class is nice.
08:26 More Irish chat, rich family are snooty, oh hang on a god damn minute
rich girl, “I’m off to get changed”
papa and momma “It’s not the done thing to get changed on the first night”
Fellowes, show don’t tell you lazy fuck.
rich girl gets bolshy, she’s not into the done thing. she’s feisty, thanks Fellowes, we need this light touch hurricane force 5 bullshit shoved down our throats like foie gras geese.
09:20 Servants are going through their roles, it’s turgid stuff. Someone said valet with the t pronounced, that was interesting i guess.
Some shit about English Scottish .…
Some more shit about first class servants and shit. Who cares, they are all dead in about 35 minutes
11:00 We’re with the richies, intros for the first dinner of the voyage.
11:00 ITV player stutters, I contemplate quitting this inane blog post, I reload… Homebase advert, lack of exposition is refreshing… Colgate advert, educational — unbeatable protection.… Aviva have tagged their name onto this shambles.
11:45 Rich are chatting. strings are playing, people are eating food. Rich boy cites Francis Bacon, rich girl yaps something smart back. Parents comment.
12:45 Captain Birdseye absolutely loses his shit when an Italian serves him some food. the bare faced cheek, I sense another helping of Fellowes finest exposition crumble served with extra shit writing chaser.…
13:15 Italian waiter thanked by rich girl.…these two dying together? he saves her? either way, it’s gonna be bullshit.
13:45 servants play piggy in the middle with a diary.… call the care police. a page gets torn, there are tears, everyone feels bad. JESUS CHRIST THAT IS THE CLIFFHANGER FOR THE AD
BREAK. fuck no :@:@:@:@
Ads: Closer, Mercedes — no naval theme here, opportunity missed… or mist if there were sirens and the river Styx but no… more Colgate, she doesn’t have sensitive teeth, nor he. Meatballs…
14:50 We’re back in, string quartet. They know all the waltzes don’t you know. rich girl gets asked to dance by an American He has a retarded hairdo, like a 1920’s cha cha girl.… ITV player is on its last legs… we’re back… rich girl is playing hard to get. the American is persistent and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
16:20 rich girl likes bad boys
16:30 rich people have rich people chat
madame ovarrrr is pissed off… me too madame, me too
17:15 music is slamming…
18:15 Rich mum shuts another rich woman down for being nouveau riche.… Fresh Prince of Bel Air is on in the background, Carlton and his moustache are making a mess of things.
18:35 poor girl is trying to turn down the bed.
19:00 lawyer man and wife laying down the back chat… more Anglo Irish bunkum meanwhile poor girl is crying about her book…
20:00 rich mum is fed up, rich dad is.… oh who cares… wait we’re back with the poor
20:50 poor people chat… Italian brothers, dead in 15 mins, yap about bosses.…
22:00 rich people dance more… the will to continue is seeping away.…
22:45 rich man is off to second class.
23:15 rich mum is upset with madame ovarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. she’ll probably live
24:00 lawyer family piss off the rich mum with their presence. madame ovarrrrrrrrr’s hubby is incandescent with the rich man
24:45 more Anglo Irish bullshit, the mood is tense, they make civilities.
26:00 rich girl and American strolling on deck, where is that iceberg. rich mum is choosing jewellery. she’s deffo living.
AD break: Lloyds think people have 10,000 GBP for an ISA… lolz, Colgate is back — still no one has bacteria, amazing protection. The Meerkats and some water filter… i think everyone has tuned out.
27:30 There is 18 minutes left of this shit. Rich girl and American are talking. My GF is drying her hair so I can’t tell what they are saying but it doesn’t matter, the stolen glances, the disapproving mother in the background is all you need to know. They’re probably bonding over young people’s thoughts.… oh they’re now kissing…
30:00 Where the fuck is the iceberg
30:15 rich mum is on the jewellery again, other richies are playing cards… say what you see, there is nothing deeper than surface level here.…
31:00 Whoop whoop iceberg is here, Italian boy watched the water seeping in. Lawyer has seen it. Shit is going down now. Strings are anxious. Captain Birdseye is harumping along. rich man is worried, told about the iceberg, told to get the women upon deck.
34:00 people are panicking, looks like the poor are going to be sacrificial lambs — remember Jesus and God have a divine plan and they wanted all the poor to die. lawyer wife loses it to the rich wife, she lets it be known that rich man is a cheat…
Ad break: Lloyds still think we have 10,000 to invest… Aero mint, they rock. Homebase reminding me to sort out my house.
35:25 Poor people are being locked downstairs… uh oh Irish poor mum and dad in trouble.
36:00 Lifeboats are half full
37:00 They’re full.… oh, they’re not full but they are in the water
38:00 Who is standing up for the white man? not that guard… he won’t let a man on the lifeboat… #brutal
The string quartet are still playing, bless their martyrrrrrr souls.
Rich wife won’t get on the boat with a ‘drunken prostitute’ cos she has class… fingers crossed on imminent death.
40:00 Men are being circumspect. American boy and girl are parting.… oh sweet jesus. rich man has rumbled the lack of lifeboats and the duck&cover escape plan
42:07 Titanic is doomed! Surprising lack of gushing water. Rich old American wants his servant to sit and have a drink. American boy is trying to get girl away. rich mum is deranged, confesses she knows about the affairs. rich mum is sticking with rich man. rich girl is on a boat. rich man tells her to live, just live.. like Frankenstein… and that’s it.…
Next time on Titanic preview rolls (poor people die next time)
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST FUCK. Fellowes I pray to god that you have signed your own death warrant with this hopeless pile of shite. No one wants to watch this regressive failure of a show. the reviews were terrible, ratings sure to drop next week… if this was a US show they would pull it immediately.