JmeWhyte

a convenient place for excess thoughts

Just Giving and Top Tips for Raising Money

This is how you raise money!Doing spon­sored deeds for char­ity has come a long way from bad­ger­ing neigh­bours to pledge a few pen­nies per lap of a swim­ming pool. From sky­div­ing through to abseil­ing, climb­ing a moun­tain and rock­ing the f*** out, peo­ple have com­pletely altered their approach to char­ity and ensure that they’re in it for them­selves and the expe­ri­ence as much as for the charity.

The more inter­est­ing the under­tak­ing the less we should donate unless they’re doing some­thing seri­ously chal­leng­ing like going on hunger­strike, salut­ing while stand­ing in the rain, a trip to a local gulag, or com­plet­ing a chal­lenge from the Saw movie franchise.

These days Just Giv­ing has rev­o­lu­tionised how peo­ple approach char­ity. They should be lauded for mak­ing char­i­ta­ble giv­ing sim­ple and acces­si­ble for every­one. Pages can be set up in next to no time and the money goes directly to the char­ity. But this final point high­lights the fatal flaw in the sys­tem — the per­son run­ning the page has no need to actu­ally do what they say. The money has already dis­ap­peared and sec­ondly, who would ask to get the money back any­way as they’ll be seen to be truly miserly.

So I thought I’d set out to see if I could raise some money by start­ing a page whereby I would pledge to do the fol­low­ing chal­lenges over a weekend:

Fri­day Night
Return from work, tri­umphant after tend­ing to all client needs
Get some din­ner
Play some Jour­ney — PS3 not that awful band-that-no-one-remembered-until-Glee-used-it-and-then-everyone-loved-it
Drink gin

Sat­ur­day
Take the dog to the vet
Receive the Wait­rose deliv­ery
Pwn some noobs on Bat­tle­field 3
Do light, real light, house­work and/or DIY

Sun­day
Take the dog for a walk with Wynn
Pop into a café
Get lunch
Relax on couch

As you can see that is some list. I doc­u­mented the chal­lenges here as I com­pleted each one:
http://pinterest.com/jmewhyte/justgiving-weekend/

Selection of Challenges

You’d be right to think that was all entirely idi­otic and I was being a dick espe­cially to those that do amaz­ing things for char­ity but the ends really do jus­tify the means. Char­ity is the only ben­e­fi­ciary whether you’re run­ning a marathon or climb­ing a moun­tain, whether you tell a heart-rending story of loss or are rak­ing up head­shots on video games.

The results were stun­ning. At the end of the week­end, I’d man­aged to raise £213.88 thanks to 10 dona­tions from friends and my mum. This goes to show that being a nice guy will aid you greatly in rais­ing money, but this is clearly a one-off tactic.

Here is a selec­tion of com­ments from peo­ple who pledged money:

Because of all the work you’ve done on arab-israeli pol­i­tics, here you go. Good work Jamie!

You’re a shin­ing bea­con for all of us, a king amongst men.

YES! YOU! CAN! You’ve been train­ing for this week­end your whole life.

I was rais­ing money for the fight against Alzheimer’s as my grand­mother died from it. If you’d like to get involved, you can see the page here: http://www.justgiving.com/jmewhyte

How to raise money for charity

  • Pick a great cause — noth­ing retro like lep­rosy
    Choose to do some­thing wor­thy
    Have rich friends and/or fam­ily
    Spam all media chan­nels you can — Face­book, Twit­ter, Email, Work Email, SMS, MMS, Skype, YouTube, Pin­ter­est
    Spam often
    You’re still not spam­ming enough, spam on pay day for added results — peo­ple like this tac­tic
    Pull the guilt trip — “You read my page and didn’t donate? How can you live with your­self, you monster?!”
  • No one does enough for char­ity, so I implore you to start your own Just Giv­ing cam­paign or pledge your time to char­ity to help out where you can.

    Selection of challenges

    Tracey Emin — Queen Portrait

    The work of Tracey Emin has long been the focal point of every­thing that is wrong with mod­ern art. Nigh on every­thing she does is utter bull­shit. The thing is, every­one in the UK knows this so why does she still get talked about, is allowed to be exhib­ited and gets com­mis­sioned for future work? Per­haps it’s because she is the only per­son left in Britain who can dick about mak­ing art while the rest of us bust a gut try­ing to negate con­tin­ued gov­ern­ment inep­ti­tude. Any­way, back on topic here’s three exam­ples of her work:

    Tracey Emin My BedOoo masterbation...Tracey Emin

    Yup. Proper shit. She likes her vag, we get it Tracey, you like your vag. It’s the kind of art that is per­fect for Shit Art For Rich Peo­ple. Every­thing she has ever done is uni­ver­sally awful and there is noth­ing redeem­ing in any of her works. It’s hard to even call it art; her tech­nique is shock­ing, her instal­la­tions are mun­dane and an eleven year old could best her.

    So quite why she was allowed to cre­ate a por­trait for the Queen will prob­a­bly never be known. Here it is below, titled HRH Royal Bri­ta­nia:
    hrh royal britania tracey emin
    Amaz­ing. Will prob­a­bly sell for tens of thou­sands. How is that even fair? I could shit out a bet­ter pic­ture, fuck.

    Extracts from a novel never to be written

    Moisha sat for­lornly on the toi­let seat and gazed down at his boxer shorts stretched apart by his knees. He noticed the seam was com­ing loose, no doubt due to the near atomic level of destruc­tion his inces­sant flat­u­lence had inflicted upon the poor cot­ton. He pon­dered whether the Ame­ican Israeli Pub­lic Affairs Com­mit­tee could help. He sighed, he knew they couldn’t. These pants were destroyed.


    Homeland Season Finale *Spoilers*

    Home­land fin­ished last night and yet again it showed how Amer­i­can execs can mess up really strong story arcs when choos­ing to com­mis­sion a sec­ond sea­son. For the first few episodes every­thing worked really well, peo­ple enjoyed guess­ing the is-he-isn’t-he and the duplic­ity along­side the build­ing of an immi­nent ter­ror­ist threat. Then it all started to fall away pretty quickly in the sea­son finale.

    Homeland Bordy Carrie Saul

    So the plot went like this – Brody returns and is con­vinced to work with Tom Walker by Abu Nazir to take out the Vice Pres­i­dent and his allies who bombed a whole bunch of chil­dren includ­ing Nazir’s son years ago. Great up to a point, except that at the cli­max the bomb vest mal­func­tions and he’s talked down by his daughter.

    Every­one could see that once the daugh­ter got on the phone the show had cho­sen to com­prise and also felt rushed given the episode had bizarre day by day titles that need­lessly informed us of the pas­sage of time.

    There were also glar­ing omis­sions in the nar­ra­tive that failed to tie-up any of the loose strings. Who slipped that ter­ror­ist the razor blade? Who was the mole that told Walker the Saudi diplo­mat had turned infor­mant? This may have been con­ve­niently left by the way­side because hav­ing a mole in a spy drama is the most obvi­ous mechanic avail­able. Also, what was the point of the white Mus­lim woman? Ini­tially they thought she was pro­vid­ing a van­tage point to an air­field for Walker to set-up but actu­ally she was…oh that’s it. Um. So that sto­ry­line was pointless.

    Home­land really should have been a one sea­son show. Brody gets into the closed room in an excel­lent diver­sion, det­o­nates the bomb, the sea­son closes with his video tape filmed at the top of the episode either buried by the CIA after being found by his daugh­ter or is played on CNN/Fox.

    A more inter­est­ing sto­ry­line would have been to have Issa not been Nazir’s son at all, made it all staged to con­vince Brody to turn, have that come out in the closed room and end with Brody choos­ing whether to believe the Vice Pres­i­dent or not. Fade out, huge cliffhanger.

    Homeland Brody Issa

    By hav­ing the vest mal­func­tion we were left with noth­ing more than a set-up to sea­son two. There was no need for Brody to shoot Walker at all – the two could been a bad-ass team in sea­son two but now undoubt­edly it’ll be a generic Brody tries to get close to influ­en­tial peo­ple to expose their links to war atroc­i­ties. Cou­ple this with the mirac­u­lous recov­ery of Car­rie no longer blighted by her mania and you’re left with noth­ing more than 24 – which at least was will­fully absurd.

    Get­ting com­mis­sioned for sea­son two ruined this show just like Prison Break which was build­ing up to be a great show. In that show the crew was on its way out but then out of nowhere the writ­ers installed a metal pipe that made the escape plan null and void. While this allowed the execs to spin out fur­ther episodes the sub­se­quent escape and fol­low­ing sea­sons were all non­sense and crit­i­cally panned.

    Home­land fell foul of this too. It was a real shame as there won’t be any point tun­ing in for sea­son 2.

    ITV Titanic Episode Three and Marks & Spencer Advert

    I swore I wouldn’t return to the wreck that is ITV’s Titanic, but after a ses­sion on Dice’s bro­ken Bat­tle­field 3 and being late to Home­land, I thought why not. So this week, we’re with the shady man from the pre­vi­ous episode who we learn is a wanted crim­i­nal plus Annie and the Ital­ian waiter are back.

    This episode was a lot bet­ter than the pre­vi­ous episodes and pehaps the series could have worked if it wasn’t so hasty in try­ing to tell so many sto­ries. But alas it wasn’t, and despite the criminal’s sto­ry­line play­ing out well, noth­ing much else did. Very pallid.

    There was also a stu­pid con­ti­nu­ity error when an Ital­ian was forced into a cabin con­tain­ing a lot of other Ital­ians. The cabin was locked and they were left to drown, but at no point when the door was open did any of the trapped Ital­ians try to escape. So while poignant and ter­ri­ble that they were left to die, it made no sense.

    Continuity Fail

    break­ing — writ­ing this up while watch­ing a Van Damme film and a bad guy just cut out a henchman’s liver —

    Any­way dur­ing an ad break, Marks & Spencer decided to air an advert of such pure Aryan pro­pa­ganda, the 3rd Reich would have been jeal­ous. They are run­ning with the title Sum­mer to Remem­ber, but it’s obvi­ously rejigged from Rally to Remem­ber. Next time you see it, just replace the British flags with Swastikas.

    In chrono­log­i­cal order we see:

    White blonde girl smil­ing
    White boy and grandad mow­ing the lawn
    White blonde girl jump­ing
    Three blonde white kids walk­ing
    White peo­ple in a pic­nic scene
    Three white peo­ple in a boat (off to build a Dam no doubt)
    White peo­ple in back­ground
    White man on a BBQ, in back­ground two white men ‘lib­er­ate’ a tv
    White blonde girl fol­lows, looks at white boy (with gin­ger hair)
    ALERT!! pos­si­ble Chi­nese sight­ing, but it’s touch and go
    Buf­fet pic­nic feast, i think there is a black woman in there
    White blonde mum smil­ing, blonde white women in back­ground
    White blonde woman eats ersatz pic­nic food
    Dog — white, black spots, brown ears
    ALERT!! Black man in back­ground
    Pic­nic scene con­tin­ues white blonde girls run with cake
    White grandad has got the TV work­ing, bunting every­where
    White girl smil­ing
    White boy with Union Jack on face
    White fam­ily smil­ing
    ALERT!! A black boy lit­er­ally plays foot­ball with Jamie Red­knapp
    He runs off like a pied piper, white kids and black boy fol­lows
    ALERT!! mid­dle east­ern boy run­ning
    White woman eat­ing a straw­berry
    White blonde girl is a ball girl
    Another white blonde girl is a ball girl
    Jamie Red­knapp (white) lit­er­ally hits a ten­nis ball
    ALERT!! Mixed race woman returns it
    White women watch on
    ALERT!! Black man ques­tions whether the ball was in or out
    Dan­ni­i­i­iii Minogue (white) runs in an egg and spoon race with white women and Myleene Klass (white/filipina)
    Lots of white kids watch
    White blonde girl picks flower
    White blonde mum holds a piece of string
    White man holds veg­eta­bles
    White cou­ple watch
    And who else to fin­ish off the advert than Hitler Youth Aryan picture-boy Gary Bar­low to sing “Sun sun, sun, here it comes,” at a camp fire, but it might have just been, “Reich, Reich, Reich.”

    Marks and Spencer Summer to Remember

    I’m not say­ing any­thing except that it’s cer­tainly a very spe­cific take on what an idyl­lic British sum­mer should be.

    ITV Titanic Episode 2 Review

    Right, it’s week two of ITV Titanic and coin­ci­den­tally, the 148th con­sec­u­tive week in which has ITV failed to enter­tain the nation. Last week was pretty poor start, but as with so much in life, the first time can be writ­ten off as the show sim­ply find­ing its feet try­ing to live up to the hype. So with an open mind here is the minute by minute of episode two of the Tele­vi­sion Event of 2012.

    Hmmm, seems like that open mind might not last that long as I’ve just seen the syn­op­sis from IMDB for this episode:

    Jim Mal­oney is in charge of com­plet­ing the electrics on the Titanic. He’s actu­ally an engi­neer but being a Catholic in West Belfast, work­ing as an installer is the best job he can get — #did­dums. The work is falling behind sched­ule — #Clas­sicBri­tain — and he’s offered free pas­sage on the ship’s maiden voy­age, in steer­age, for him­self and his fam­ily if he can get the work com­pleted on time. He accepts but finds a way to get a cabin in sec­ond class. John and Muriel Bat­ley row after their tea with Lord and Lady Man­ton – Is that really wor­thy of men­tion? — After strik­ing the ice­berg, they rec­on­cile and decide that their lives are worth fight­ing for.

    Ummm… …. …. this is going to be a long hour.

    20:55 Zomg, count­down T-5, off to make tea.

    21:00 It’s go time! Come on Fel­lowes, even you can’t mess up poor peo­ple trapped and drown­ing, espe­ically if we get a child float­ing face down in the icy waters.

    Pre­vi­ously on 24.…

    Mon­tage.… Cast list… the ten­sion is palpable.…TITANIC

    Wel­come to Belfast, home of shouty peo­ple. Very shouty. Bat­man music plays in the back­ground. Titanic is being made, the electrics are tak­ing time to sort out. This type of detail was pleas­antly lack­ing when Han Solo was try­ing to fix the Mil­le­nium Fal­con and get out of Mos Eisley

    We learn about Catholics in Belfast and the prob­lems of Home Rule. Yay. Poor man wants out of Ire­land as he isn’t look­ing for­ward to ninety years of sec­tar­ian hatred and strife.

    Mean­while in the cruiseliner’s offices the execs are hav­ing a chat about lifeboats. Guess what, they didn’t put enough in on pur­pose. I can­not believe they are hav­ing another chat about lifeboats.

    Some­thing about riv­ets (Riv­ets!) and cut­ting cor­ners. The ship appears to be doomed.

    21:05 Poor man is get­ting on that boat. He’s going to fin­ish that wiring!

    21:07: Poor man is con­vinc­ing fam­ily to leave Ire­land. He’s so very earnest. Wife backs hims and it’s going to be real sad watch­ing them drown.

    Ad break: Salmon Fish­ing in the Yemen… is this an April Fool’s?! I …. what? Girl­friend is try­ing to upload/edit a photo on Face­book… I think she’ll be here at 22:00. It really is indecipherable…

    21:13 Mmm lovely CGI. Cap­tain is hav­ing a reshuf­fle, rich peo­ple are hav­ing some seri­ous polit­i­cal chat. Girl­friend is very dis­tract­ing, it’s a good thing Zucker­berg isn’t in earshot.

    21:15 Irish fam­ily are get­ting ready (to drown). She has four kids, one of them runs away. Man with absurd hair and mous­tache finds boy.

    21:16 Ser­vant girl from last week – Annie — states her role per­fectly to Cap­tain Birdseye’s colleague.

    Girl­friend is now hav­ing issues with a Captcha… it’s just not her day, but least she won’t drown in 42 minutes.

    21:18 Irish fam­ily is sneaked into 2nd class

    21:18 Rich are moan­ing about Ital­ians. No idea. Rich are dis­cussing sleep­ing arrange­ments. Oh, the tension.

    21:19 Earnest poor man is being earnest. He’s been rum­bled, Wife ain’t happy that he stole the cabin. This is too much drama.

    21:21 Annie is flirt­ing with Ital­ian waiter from last week.

    21:22 Ital­ian winks at rich girl from episode one. The Maitre D’ loses his rag.

    21:23 Absurd hair man and Earnest poor man have a chat. Absurd hair is intro­duced to poor wife. She’s flip­ping out over nothing.

    21:24 Ital­ian waiter and Annie have a chat about their jobs. They flirt, they go upstairs with smiles on their faces. Looks like he’s going to go to town on her and she seems to want it.

    21:26 Absurd hair and poor wife have a whis­per moment.

    21:26 Lawyer man and wife from last week go to church. Rich lady from episode one is upset at see­ing lawyer wife. Rich dad is breach­ing all sorts of taboo’s by invit­ing lawyer and wife to tea. Rich lady is furi­ous. And that’s the ad break.

    It’s now 21:27 and as you can see, noth­ing has hap­pened. It is lit­er­ally dead and devoid of any energy. It’s not that it’s bad it’s that it’s so utterly for­get­table. Noth­ing is work­ing. The ensem­ble cast are sim­ply sur­face level car­i­ca­tures. Char­ac­ters from Stack­ing have more about them.

    Twit­ter is equally unfor­giv­ing:
    ‏@marksmith1973: #itvti­tanic 19 min­utes since last advert and 15 min­utes since [sic] the end ffs

    Hang in there Mark!

    @LucieHewitson: Try­ing to make a state­ment on bygone class-divide but not actu­ally say­ing any­thing inter­est­ing at all #bored

    @PiefaceParky:I don’t think much of this new Titanic pro­gramme @ITV. Its rather bor­ing com­pared to Down­town Abby, when is it going to get excit­ing? *yawn*

    21:33 Lawyer wife has found out that Rich Man is a cad and has an ille­git­i­mate child. Lawyer hus­band is upset but realises that wife is upset about some­thing more. He can’t have kids, he’s torn up. Wife is sad. They have a chat about life being hard. It’s quite touching.

    21:36 The sailors have a chat about ice warn­ings and how they can’t find they can’t find the binoc­u­lars. I really hope this is based on fact and that is why the ship sank. I often can’t find my glasses. Shit hap­pens when lenses that alter our per­cep­tion of the world go missing.

    The ship try to make up time. Less haste and all that.

    21:40 Lawyer hus­band and Cap­tain Bird­s­eye share a moment on the deck. Lawyer is very upset and weeps. He is is so very sad. He’s crum­bled… but wait, what’s that com­ing over the mountain?

    ICEBRGGGGG

    He stands agape.

    21:42 And we’re off.

    Cap­tain Bird­s­eye and his mate are watch­ing the crew try­ing to avert the dan­ger pump­ing and stoking.

    Bird­s­eye is dumb­founded and the water is every­where. We learn that the all impor­tant 5th com­part­ment has been breached and that’s that, Lvl 5 Doom.

    Cap­tain Bird­s­eye: “She cant sink”

    Matey: “She can’t float.”

    They watch on. Resigned.

    Ad break.

    So those last 1.5 min­utes were worth­while. Girl­friend has resolved Face­book and Captcha prob­lems, she’s now won­der­ing how Twit­ter works.

    21:48 We’re back and the water is up to F-Deck. Annie is try­ing to save Lawyer and wife. Lawyer hus­band gives Annie a life-jacket

    Bird­s­eye is cata­tonic and it’s all too much for him.

    21:51 Poor are held back behind grates and then the guards get women and chil­dren out. God bless their human­ity. They shut the gates, poor man and wife’s kids aren’t allowed out so Absurd Hair cre­ates a diver­sion so they can get out. We don’t know why.

    Annie’s hair is disheveled.. things are going down.

    Sailor man reas­sures rich peo­ple. Annie is being very saintly and selfless

    Pro­to­col over­ruled as women from 2nd class are allowed to board the boats.

    21:54 Save the chil­dren for God’s sake

    21:55 Rich Amer­i­can is wait­ing it out. Mr. Andrews, the ship designer looks at a mantlepiece.

    Up on deck, Lay­wer hus­band helps wife up from her despair and he’s won­der­ing des­per­ately how to help. Wife con­soles a puppy. He apolo­gies for every­thing. She is apol­o­gises too for being hys­ter­i­cal. He said he failed her. They resolve to be friends and die in peace.

    Lawyer hus­band is hav­ing none of it and states they should go down fight­ing. I had hoped that the wife would tear the dog apart, they would smear the blood over their bod­ies and start a huge ruckus but also, they run off to find a boat.

    Luck­ily they find one and try to set it as water appears on deck. He says I love you to the wife.

    End.

    So it seems that once all four episodes air, the last two min­utes will resolve all sto­ries. Cer­tainly wasn’t the train wreck of week one but took about 40 min­utes to do any­thing at all. Given the sub­ject mat­ter the series has to go down as a dis­ap­point­ment. And if you made it this far, apolo­gies for the dull­ness, work­man tools blah blah.

    Twit­ter was mixed:

    @abbie1D__: omg! just started propa full on beef­ing in that last 5mins of the titanic series on itv! was i the only one?

    ‏@BethanyLWalker_: That Titanic series on ITV is shiiiiiit

    @ShivvyMariexx:Okay, lit­er­ally sob­bing at ITV’s Titanic.

    ‏@markbennett2011: Dis­ap­pointed in this titanic series thing on itv. #ExpectedMore

    @hannah_e_adams: watch­ing #titanic on itv and its get­ting pretty deep for a Sun­day night #emotional

    @MrChrisAddison was all over it.

    ITV Titanic Review

    It’s been a way too long day run­ning after clients and while I was hop­ing to blog about “The Tele­vi­sion Event of 2012 — Fuck No” I’m just way too tired to take it seri­ously (or add pics atm). So in the same vein (vain, weather vane) as The Guardian’s Minute By Minute here is a tracked ver­sion of the first episode of Julian Fel­lowes’ trainwreck

    Intro: Stir­ring music, mon­tage, shoe buff­ing, poor peo­ple in a ware­house sneak­ing a pic at the doomed vessel

    01:34 It’s a prison, poor peo­ple talk to a mid­dle class woman. papa comes, guard goes “blah blah rich lady can leave, why not others.”

    her dad shoos the guard off.

    02:15 oh, lady is a suffragette…that means she’s got opin­ions. papa and guard face off.

    02:45 EXPOSITION EXPLOSION

    But there are davits for 32 lifeboats, why haven’t we used
    them.”

    Fel­lowes, hon­estly, 02:45 and like Peter Grif­fin I’m done.

    The law blah blah expo­si­tion blah.…”

    03:20 rich men chat, noth­ing hap­pens, it’s a slow burn…
    wait!!!

    03:45 EDUCATIONAL FACT

    I heard JP Mor­gan might not be fit enough to travel”

    Awful writ­ing, but here’s the JP Mor­gan Jesuit con­spir­acy, which is suit­ably off the wall.

    04:00 Mon­tage, piano, peo­ple prepar­ing for voy­age, wood­wind, we’re on a train… posh girl has more ideas, papa is dis­parag­ing. a lawyer rocks up, intros abound… shit is bub­bling along nicely, lawyer needs to take papers to New York and, oh…

    05:05 We learn the route of the Titanic — it didn’t stop in Ireland.…

    Lawyer wife upset with lawyer, papa’s wife is Irish, there is a church ser­vice on Sun­day… oh .…

    We shouldn’t linger, we don’t have 1st class tick­ets and the guard will think we’re stowaways”

    Fuck off Fel­lowes, just… fuck off.

    Papa feels bad, invites them for tea. Wife says it’s not allowed, obvs cos lawyer is not gen­try, but hunch says Anglo Irish rela­tions at a low point, maybe Irish lawyer canne mix… but who cares, this show is just get­ting started, ship ship ship ahoy!

    06:00 more mon­tage and star­ing at Titanic, i won­der how big it is com­pared to mod­ern day.

    06:45 Right peo­ple are on the ship… poor man bumps into girl, “cru?” She gives direc­tions and then

    EXPOSITION EXPLOSION

    Next time don’t use these stares”

    Yak yak yak

    07:15 Cru are get­ting set­tled. the poor are very dirty and angry and shouty.

    08:10 We’re off, first class is nice.

    08:26 More Irish chat, rich fam­ily are snooty, oh hang on a god damn minute

    EXPOSITION EXPLOSION

    rich girl, “I’m off to get changed”

    papa and momma “It’s not the done thing to get changed on the first night”

    Fel­lowes, show don’t tell you lazy fuck.

    rich girl gets bol­shy, she’s not into the done thing. she’s feisty, thanks Fel­lowes, we need this light touch hur­ri­cane force 5 bull­shit shoved down our throats like foie gras geese.

    09:20 Ser­vants are going through their roles, it’s turgid stuff. Some­one said valet with the t pro­nounced, that was inter­est­ing i guess.

    Some shit about Eng­lish Scottish .…

    Some more shit about first class ser­vants and shit. Who cares, they are all dead in about 35 minutes

    11:00 We’re with the richies, intros for the first din­ner of the voyage.

    11:00 ITV player stut­ters, I con­tem­plate quit­ting this inane blog post, I reload… Home­base advert, lack of expo­si­tion is refresh­ing… Col­gate advert, edu­ca­tional — unbeat­able pro­tec­tion.… Aviva have tagged their name onto this shambles.

    11:45 Rich are chat­ting. strings are play­ing, peo­ple are eat­ing food. Rich boy cites Fran­cis Bacon, rich girl yaps some­thing smart back. Par­ents comment.

    12:45 Cap­tain Bird­s­eye absolutely loses his shit when an Ital­ian serves him some food. the bare faced cheek, I sense another help­ing of Fel­lowes finest expo­si­tion crum­ble served with extra shit writ­ing chaser.…

    13:15 Ital­ian waiter thanked by rich girl.…these two dying together? he saves her? either way, it’s gonna be bullshit.

    13:45 ser­vants play piggy in the mid­dle with a diary.… call the care police. a page gets torn, there are tears, every­one feels bad. JESUS CHRIST THAT IS THE CLIFFHANGER FOR THE AD
    BREAK. fuck no :@:@:@:@

    Ads: Closer, Mer­cedes — no naval theme here, oppor­tu­nity missed… or mist if there were sirens and the river Styx but no… more Col­gate, she doesn’t have sen­si­tive teeth, nor he. Meatballs…

    14:50 We’re back in, string quar­tet. They know all the waltzes don’t you know. rich girl gets asked to dance by an Amer­i­can He has a retarded hairdo, like a 1920’s cha cha girl.… ITV player is on its last legs… we’re back… rich girl is play­ing hard to get. the Amer­i­can is per­sis­tent and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    16:20 rich girl likes bad boys

    16:30 rich peo­ple have rich peo­ple chat

    madame ovar­rrr is pissed off… me too madame, me too

    17:15 music is slamming…

    18:15 Rich mum shuts another rich woman down for being nou­veau riche.… Fresh Prince of Bel Air is on in the back­ground, Carl­ton and his mous­tache are mak­ing a mess of things.

    18:35 poor girl is try­ing to turn down the bed.

    19:00 lawyer man and wife lay­ing down the back chat… more Anglo Irish bunkum mean­while poor girl is cry­ing about her book…

    20:00 rich mum is fed up, rich dad is.… oh who cares… wait we’re back with the poor

    20:50 poor peo­ple chat… Ital­ian broth­ers, dead in 15 mins, yap about bosses.…

    22:00 rich peo­ple dance more… the will to con­tinue is seep­ing away.…

    22:45 rich man is off to sec­ond class.

    23:15 rich mum is upset with madame ovar­rrrrrrrrrrrrrr. she’ll prob­a­bly live

    24:00 lawyer fam­ily piss off the rich mum with their pres­ence. madame ovarrrrrrrrr’s hubby is incan­des­cent with the rich man

    24:45 more Anglo Irish bull­shit, the mood is tense, they make civilities.

    26:00 rich girl and Amer­i­can strolling on deck, where is that ice­berg. rich mum is choos­ing jew­ellery. she’s deffo living.

    AD break: Lloyds think peo­ple have 10,000 GBP for an ISA… lolz, Col­gate is back — still no one has bac­te­ria, amaz­ing pro­tec­tion. The Meerkats and some water fil­ter… i think every­one has tuned out.

    27:30 There is 18 min­utes left of this shit. Rich girl and Amer­i­can are talk­ing. My GF is dry­ing her hair so I can’t tell what they are say­ing but it doesn’t mat­ter, the stolen glances, the dis­ap­prov­ing mother in the back­ground is all you need to know. They’re prob­a­bly bond­ing over young people’s thoughts.… oh they’re now kissing…

    30:00 Where the fuck is the iceberg

    30:15 rich mum is on the jew­ellery again, other richies are play­ing cards… say what you see, there is noth­ing deeper than sur­face level here.…

    31:00 Whoop whoop ice­berg is here, Ital­ian boy watched the water seep­ing in. Lawyer has seen it. Shit is going down now. Strings are anx­ious. Cap­tain Bird­s­eye is harump­ing along. rich man is wor­ried, told about the ice­berg, told to get the women upon deck.

    34:00 peo­ple are pan­ick­ing, looks like the poor are going to be sac­ri­fi­cial lambs — remem­ber Jesus and God have a divine plan and they wanted all the poor to die. lawyer wife loses it to the rich wife, she lets it be known that rich man is a cheat…

    Ad break: Lloyds still think we have 10,000 to invest… Aero mint, they rock. Home­base remind­ing me to sort out my house.

    35:25 Poor peo­ple are being locked down­stairs… uh oh Irish poor mum and dad in trouble.

    36:00 Lifeboats are half full

    37:00 They’re full.… oh, they’re not full but they are in the water

    38:00 Who is stand­ing up for the white man? not that guard… he won’t let a man on the lifeboat… #brutal

    The string quar­tet are still play­ing, bless their mar­tyrrrrrr souls.

    Rich wife won’t get on the boat with a ‘drunken pros­ti­tute’ cos she has class… fin­gers crossed on immi­nent death.

    40:00 Men are being cir­cum­spect. Amer­i­can boy and girl are part­ing.… oh sweet jesus. rich man has rum­bled the lack of lifeboats and the duck&cover escape plan

    42:07 Titanic is doomed! Sur­pris­ing lack of gush­ing water. Rich old Amer­i­can wants his ser­vant to sit and have a drink. Amer­i­can boy is try­ing to get girl away. rich mum is deranged, con­fesses she knows about the affairs. rich mum is stick­ing with rich man. rich girl is on a boat. rich man tells her to live, just live.. like Franken­stein… and that’s it.…

    Next time on Titanic pre­view rolls (poor peo­ple die next time)

    JESUS FUCKING CHRIST FUCK. Fel­lowes I pray to god that you have signed your own death war­rant with this hope­less pile of shite. No one wants to watch this regres­sive fail­ure of a show. the reviews were ter­ri­ble, rat­ings sure to drop next week… if this was a US show they would pull it immediately.

    SMA Advertising

    SMA AdvertI don’t get this advert. Are they say­ing that SMA is the next best form of milk? I mean that’s some claim and frankly if SMA is the next best and Kate is the best then why haven’t they kid­napped Kate and made her make milk for the nation?!
    SMA Advert Emma

    Fight Cancer with your very own Tumour Piñata

    So this is really a cos­tume or video game boss idea but really I’m sure it’ll work in a num­ber of envi­ron­ments includ­ing the classroom.

    Essen­tially the con­cept of the Tumour Piñata is this: a per­son climbs into this papier-mâché thing that is loaded with sweets and corn syrup blood. It looks like a big potato and some hair is added onto it for effect. Optional teeth could be inserted to give it that I–used-to-be-your-twin-brother-but-you-absorbed-me-in-the-womb look, it’s up to you.

    Now once you’ve got your cos­tume just right it is time to get your­selves out there. Why not see if there are any can­cer char­ity events locally? Or per­haps you can book an area in a local mall?

    It is impor­tant to get per­mis­sion to use the Tumour Piñata as some peo­ple may not be as for­ward think­ing as you. Seek to meet with the organ­is­ers prior to the event with sketches of the cos­tume empha­sis­ing sweets and joy and just want­ing to help.

    When the big day arrives rock up proudly as you’ve really made an effort and I salute you for that. Stand on the edge of pro­ceed­ings, lurk­ing as tumours are wont to do. Lay out the sticks the kids will use, I find fash­ion­ing them as scalpels gives the cos­tume an authen­tic­ity and cer­tain je né sais quoi.

    Now it is time to shine.

    Tumour Pinata

    Begin by flap­ping your arms about and doing a stu­pid jig. Try cack­ling. Remem­ber tumours are nobody’s friend. This should gain the atten­tion of the crowd.

    Then try shout­ing some­thing like:
    “I’m metas­ta­sis­ing but it’s not too late! Can you defeat me?”

    When the kids come over offer them the scalpels and tell them, “You don’t have much time, you need to oper­ate stat!!”

    Now the chances are the kids at a can­cer char­ity ben­e­fit won’t be your usual coun­cil estate toer­ags who are adept with the use of a blade. You’re going to have to rile them up. Why not say some­thing like, “Mummy told you you have to be strong but I only see a whelp.” If the kids ask you what you are as your cos­tume isn’t clear or they haven’t been briefed on what can­cer is, try utter­ing, “I’m the rea­son mummy has no hair” or the equally awful “I’m the rea­son mummy won’t be around soon.”

    This may be seen as a step too far, so over the line of the accept­able norm that peo­ple may start to shout things like, “You’re a mon­ster!” or “What the fuck is wrong with you!” but hold the line and stay com­mit­ted, remem­ber you’re full of sug­ary just wait­ing to be enjoyed by chil­dren and adults alike.

    How­ever if an onlooker starts to get all up in your grill about how inap­pro­r­i­ate you are try and soothe him with your words. If he wants to get phys­i­cal you are well within your rights to smash his face in with a dev­as­tat­ing jab, jab, for­ward, short, fierce combo. Then, once dis­patched, tower over him and utter, “I for­get to tell you I’m not benign.”

    A good Tumour Piñata is gen­er­ous with his or her innards, so once your cos­tume is punc­tured reach deep inside and toss your sweets over all and sundry. It’s impor­tant to tell the chil­dren that can­cer­ous tumours are not con­ta­gious so all candy is FDA approved. If all goes well you’ll be lying in a heap and the chil­dren will be hyped-up on sugar. If any cried ear­lier, the sugar will have made every­thing bet­ter. Now it’s time to lay back and bask in the sun­shine, con­tent in the knowl­edge that you’ve done your bit in the fight against one of humanity’s cru­elest diseases.

    Famous People Born 1981

    Maaaannnnn I got noth­ing on these guys >_< they’re superstars!

    Justin Tim­ber­lake
    Kelly Row­land
    Paris Hilton
    Lley­ton Hewitt
    Josh Groban
    David Anders — best British accent ever
    Young Buck
    Kolo Toure
    Jes­sica Alba
    Craig David
    Anna Kournikova
    Natalie Port­man
    Adri­ana Lima
    Chris Evans — Cap’n Amer­ica
    Fer­nando Alonso
    Djib­ril Cissé
    Rachel Bil­son
    Eli­jah Wood
    Roger Fed­erer
    Bey­oncé Knowles
    Jen­nifer Hud­son
    Ser­ena Williams
    Zla­tan Ibrahi­movic
    Akon
    Xabi Alonso
    Brit­ney Spears