JmeWhyte

a convenient place for excess thoughts

Taiwan Food Attack Part 2

Day Two and we went to my girl­friend Wynn’s step-dad’s Japan­ese restau­rant. The food was spec­tac­u­lar, start­ing with assorted sashimi, fol­lowed by more appe­tis­ers, then Cal­i­for­nia rolls and pos­si­bly the best ever sushi cre­ated; Grilled Hal­ibut Nigiri.
nom nom nomIs scallop lip a word? o.O
Not sure of a bet­ter trans­la­tion for Scal­lop Lips… sound gross, taste ace.
California Rolls and Grilled Halibut Nigiri
This is one rare type. Accord­ing to research if you’re Amer­i­can it’s likely to be Sum­mer Floun­der, while the Japan­ese call it Hirame. Whichever type you get, ensure that it is roasted before­hand with crème brûlée torch. This not only warms the sushi, but gives it a creamy tex­ture that puts it at the very top of the sushi pile, on par with grilled eel. Hon­estly, once you’ve tried it, you’ll never be able to go back. In most Japan­ese restau­rants they don’t offer it as it is very expen­sive, but you can get a sim­i­lar effect by ask­ing the chef to grill salmon sushi instead. Def­i­nitely rec­om­mended.
Crab Soup
Sizzling Chicken
Prawn Tempura
Abalone Soup
Sizzling Beef Fillet
So after a bunch of dishes (includ­ing what can only be described as a huge bowl of unscram­bled eggs with six crabs) and much fam­ily catch up one of the cousin’s boyfriends got into a dis­cus­sion with Wynn’s uncle. Now this guy is the arche­typal seen it all before cop. He’s a chain smok­ing, whisky drink­ing force of nature. Four years ago, the first time I met him at a Chi­nese New Year meal he sat next to me and with a few Eng­lish words made it clear he wasn’t some­one to be messed with. The words were “me… national box­ing cham­pion… go police… heli­copter… mp5.. dakka dakka dakka.” He fin­ished the night try­ing to drink me under the table but while I sipped he knocked them down like only a cop in Hong Kong movie could before stum­bling into another party’s table and fright­en­ing the beje­sus out of them.

Back to the meal and I turned my head to be greeted with this:
Cop Versus Boy

The young boy pro­ceeded to punch his clenched fist once or twice, laugh­ing unaware of the pain com­ing his way. The uncle then told him it was his turn so the boy, just out of uni, held his hand out. The uncle then pro­ceeded to pound the shit out of this guy’s fist, pam pam pam. The boy, try­ing to hold his shit together kept smil­ing and asked his friend to try it. The uncle then went to town on the boy’s friend and I’m pretty sure both went to hos­pi­tal the day after. Of course, thanks to face cul­ture, nei­ther could show their pain so just laughed it off, but if this was a movie you know they’d be plot­ting their revenge in a fake call out to an alley where they’d be wait­ing with pipes. But instead, we all just went back to fruit.

Fruit Platter

Taiwan Food Attack Part 1

Tai­wan sits at the heart of Asia with a com­plex his­tory of own­er­ship and coloni­sa­tion. Thank­fully, despite much polit­i­cal wran­gling, there has been peace for the best part of 60 years which has allowed the island to flour­ish eco­nom­i­cally and get on with the more impor­tant busi­ness of feed­ing its inhab­i­tants. Sit­ting so cen­trally in Asia has meant that all man­ner of cuisines have made it over to the tiny island from Japan­ese and Korean to the many regions in China, Thai, Indone­sian, Malay and Indian. Plus with the Amer­i­can mil­i­tary pres­ence and seiz­ing of Amer­i­can cul­ture, there are count­less gourmet burger din­ers to give you that fix when you want to play at being a 400lb superstar.

There are a lot of things sound utterly dis­gust­ing, but once com­bined (smoth­ered) in the right sauce or cooked in the cer­tain way become del­cious edi­ble. Things like chicken testes, eaten for luck at a wed­ding, or pigs’ ears or even stom­ach lin­ing. Of course these “del­i­ca­cies” aren’t the norm so there won’t be many freak out dishes from my jour­ney back to Tai­wan but hope­fully will give you an idea of what can be found here.

First up, just after my girl­friend and I touched down in Tai­wan was a trip to a Re Chow (熱炒) place. These restau­rants are crazy pop­u­lar, in which din­ers gen­er­ally sit under a shel­tered roof to enjoy meal long into the night while watch­ing peo­ple going home after work, drink­ing lots of beer in tiny glasses. The first dish arrived; pig’s blood soup with intes­tine. Pig’s blood is much like black pud­ding, but here it’s squidgy instead. The intes­tine tastes like you’d imag­ine it would… sweaty though the soup masked the funk well.

Thank­fully after this, we were onto clams cooked with gar­lic, chilli and gin­ger, along­side deep fried prawns, pineap­ple and er… hun­dreds and thou­sands. The Tai­wanese love the sweet/salty com­bi­na­tion and this is one dish guar­an­teed to edge you closer to a heart attack.We fin­ished up with a fried squid, basil and mush­rooms and a soup. Not a bad start for day one.

Saving the UK Newspaper Industry

The sim­plest way to save jobs and pro­tect the qual­ity of edi­to­r­ial con­tent is to charge read­ers. How­ever if a poorly imple­mented online pay­wall is installed as that by The Times, it is appar­ent that read­ers sim­ply stop engag­ing with that online edi­tion and move else­where for news. The FT has a strong online sub­scrip­tion ser­vice, as does the Wall Street Jour­nal but one could imag­ine that if The Star tried to charge for online con­tent, it would rapidly lose the major­ity of its ad click revenue.

The per­fect solu­tion to this, and very easy to imple­ment is a col­lec­tive deal encom­pass­ing all daily titles from all media groups for online con­tent. This com­pletely stre­alines the process and because read­ers do accept that jour­nal­ists need to be paid and news­pa­pers have costs to face it would work. Plus one pay­ment for all media sim­pli­fies every­thing, mean­ing a reader only needs one account.

You would then split the pot of rev­enue accord­ingly. 50% of the pot is shared amongst all titles equally. The remain­ing 50% is divided by the traf­fic each online edi­tion receives. Look­ing at the table below the total unique vis­i­tors per month for all titles is 28,431,000 so the Mail Online, with 6,645,000 UVPM would take around 23% of the total set aside for online traffic.

MailOn­line 6,645,000 (Unique Vis­i­tors Per Month)
Guardian 4,622,000
Tele­graph 4,394,000
The Sun 2,916,000
Newsquest Media 2,877,000
Trin­ity Mir­ror 2,427,000
The Inde­pen­dent 1,693,000
The Times/The Sun­day Times 1,211,000
Lon­don Evening Stan­dard 693,000
Daily Express 408,000
Daily Star 356,000
Econ­o­mist 189,000

Et Voila, the UK news­pa­per indus­try is saved. If the 9,792,974
peo­ple that bought papers for Sep­tem­ber
had instead paid £5 a month for the ser­vice, then the each paper would have got around £1.75 mil­lion pounds through the shared pot, the low­est ranked paper an extra £160k and the high­est £5.72 million.

At just £5 a month this brings around £50 mil­lion a month or around £600 mil­lion a year. Peo­ple would pay £5 a month for access to all UK nation­als. I will take a 1% com­mish for the idea, thank you and good night

This week in food pt1

It’s been a great week for my belly. Three restau­rants, lots of mar­ti­nis and a kebab. First up last Sun­day was Dong San, an excel­lent Korean restau­rant in Soho. Pop­u­lated exclu­sively by Kore­ans read­ing the Sun­day papers, sip­ping beer and snack­ing on BBQ, Dong San needs to be vis­ited immediately.

On the far left, the most suc­cu­lent beef this side of the 38th Par­al­lel called some­thing like Gaubi. Then a great grilled eel sushi roll (Grilled eel is a manda­tory pur­chase when­ever you see it on a menu) fol­lowed by a seafood rice cake, which doesn’t look like a rice cake and is more like a span­ish omelette. The red soup was ultra spicy tofu and on the far right, mus­sel some­thing some­thing with a really tast squidgy thing.

Dong San
47 Poland Street
Lon­don
W1F 7NB

Next up Japan­ese curry at home my girl­friend made. 2 potato, 3 car­rot, 2 onion and the meat of your choice. boil all with sea­son­ing, then add the curry cube. Serve with lychee martinis.

Fri­day was a trip to Bus­aba Eathai in Old Street with old friends. Deli­cious as usual — Thai Cala­mari, Pad Thai, Creen Curry, Spicy prawn, chilli beef yummmmmmmmmm.

Sat­ur­day brought about a return to tra­di­tion with Dim Sum at Impe­r­ial China. This is one of the best places to get your yum cha fix in Lon­don. Part 1 was char sui bao, prawn chen fung, luo bu gau, xiao long bao, crispy squid (mis­take >.<) and ho fun.

We’d been search­ing for our lost cat in bat­tersea dogs home and had gone for a walk with the dog in Alexan­dra Palace so our appetites had got­ten a lit­tle away from us. After wolf­ing down the dim sum, we stum­bled punch drunk head long into part 2.

Quite why they gave me a fork I’ll never know, and aside from a delight­ful mis­un­der­stand­ing with my girl­friend, a really really good meal.

Impe­r­ial China
25A Lisle St
Lon­don
WC2H 7BA

Finally Sun­day was steak, roast pota­toes and roast sweet pota­toes with grilled aspara­gus and red wine mush­room sauce (I’d call it a reduc­tion but I’m not a ****).

Next week, Poland, Jew­ish New Year and … er.… kebab?

Recipe of the week: Roast Sphinx

This isn’t long­pig but it’s not far off and is sure to impress despots and mani­acs in equal mea­sure. In a world of increased knowl­edge of world cui­sine, chefs like hes­ton blu­men­thal have resorted to con­vinc­ing peo­ple that offal, ear and hoof are the height of fine din­ing. but alas with so many tv chefs and shows it is hard to dif­fer­e­ni­ate unless you’re that bald guy who eats tarun­tu­las and fer­til­ized eggs that have feath­ers and beaks so what to do? well, like a good friend said go big go huge so here it is, the lat­est must sam­ple dish for all you food­ies out there.Dinner time!

Roast Sphinx

In Greek mythol­ogy the Sphinx has a body of a lion, the wings of a bird and the bust and head of woman. Now while at first glance it may seem a lit­tle tricky to source these ingre­di­ents, a true gourmet rev­els in the challenge.

Ingre­di­ents:

1 x Lion
1 x Swan
1 x Female Torso
500g Salt
300g Mus­tard Seeds
10kg Flour
2L Water
Hand­ful of cloves

Prepa­ra­tion

It would be pru­dent to cook the Sphinx away from pry­ing eyes so why not wind the clock back to the 1700s to under­take your very own Grand Tour. Morons con­tin­u­ally point out that catch­ing your own meat will make it taste bet­ter but the truth is, it’s the taboo that makes it bet­ter. Der­ren Brown proved this with shoplift­ing. And noth­ing says taboo like hunt­ing lion, well… maybe bolt­ing on a human torso but well… onwards!

1) Pro­cure swan — cur­rent research sug­gests an abun­dance in Regents Park, Hyde Park and Hamp­stead Heath. For­get that non­sense about swans hav­ing the strength to break your arms, their no match for a mal­let, chain­saw or drill­bit. Remem­ber we only need the wings so if there is some buck­shot to the body or decap­tion with a broadsword don’t fret. Alter­na­tively slaugh­ter in a humane with a rabbi present to give it that kosher flavour (I say flavour as swans aren’t kosher, but if the rabbi sees you killing a swan, he’ll prob­a­bly bless it once you out­line the wider recipe and he just wants to make it home to the wife). Now as many peo­ple know, it’s pretty much ille­gal to kill swans in the UK, but you can just about get away with it if you deliver the remain­ing parts to the Wor­ship­ful Com­pa­nies of Vint­ners and Dyers once you’ve care­fully removed the wings and bung them a fiver or two.

2) Fly to Doc­tor Congo and go big game hunt­ing. Kill Mufasa. Skin and treat the hide using your arti­san skills to receive a bonus rug. Remove head and sell to the gen­try who will no dout be the talk of the town. Gut the innards, sell to Chi­nese med­i­cine quacks and/or home­opa­thy lunatics.

3) Get sev­ered female torso — unfor­tu­nately, you might have to buy a bulk pur­chase as it’s touch dif­fi­cult to find just a torso. There aren’t many recipes involv­ing the lower half of a body but just think of it as one of those obscure erbz that Jamie Oliver forces you to buy (fen­nel seeds par exam­ple — cur­rently rot­ting in 7.2 mil­lion homes around the UK). Rec­om­mend locat­ing to the bor­der of a wartorn coun­try… per­haps that rabbi can set you up some­thing nice on the edge of the Gaza Strip and Egypt. In fact that way, by eat­ing your roasted sphinx on the Egypt­ian bor­der you can really do your part for inter­na­tional diplomacy.

Method

1) Pre­pare the meat by sea­son­ing it with salt and if you like ten­deris­ing with a base­ball bat.

2) score a few lines across the body and place a lit­tle but­ter and rose­mary inside. Repeat with cloves and mark where that sec­tion is, so you can give that part to the doubt­ing dorises who frown upon your quixotic desire to sam­ple the mythical.

3) Now, lions being car­ni­vores and incred­i­bly active will mean their meat will be very tough. To counter this we’re going be cook­ing it in the style of beef welling­ton. Not only will this encase the meat pro­tect­ing it from becom­ing impos­si­blly tough, but the cooked pas­try will cre­ate the effect that lion still has its skin. The insides will be just like pulled pork. You can find an excel­lent beef welling­ton recipe her which will allow you to wrap the lion perfectly.

4) Given the size of the beast why not use one of the many burn­ing trucks adorn­ing the Gaza Strip as a make shift oven. You want to wait until the blaze is under con­trol and then just pop it in the back for 5 hours at 180 degrees.

Final Prepa­ra­tion

1) rope in a few med stu­dents on the premise of prac­tic­ing their sutur­ing skills. hoist the torso to the front and watch them go to work stich­ing the cooked meat to the flesh. think human cater­pil­lar with­out the implications.

2) Repeat with the wings, but why not give a fledg­ing seam­stress the oppor­tu­nity to prac­tice her tailoring.

3) Posi­tion the dish in your choice of pose. Whether you make the sphinx run or rear­ing up to attack, don’t for­get to have a pro­fes­sional enbalmer on hand to give the corse that last minute touch up. Your guests will appre­ci­ate your devo­tion to finesse.

Serve with greens and a glass of chi­anti. Heres to you, cheers!

Next week; mermaids!

True Grit Yawnfest

Months late to the party here’s my take on True Grit, the multi-nominated west­ern that is the same as every other west­ern ever released. Oh my days, why is every­thing so brown and arid in all these films. It’s always so fuck­ing brown. You know there’s a point where the girl is try­ing to con­vince Jeff Bridges to go find her daddy’s killer that the only colour in a room full of junk is tan. It’s like I’m watch­ing some kid who’s just dis­cov­ered the sepia set­ting on his first dig­i­tal cam­era. Obvi­ously got to the Coen broth­ers as they lost it, added a drunk den­tist dressed in half a bear dur­ing snow­fall to break the monot­ony in an overly drawn out scene that aided noth­ing.
Brooowwwwwnnnnnn

The plot is much the same as all west­erns. Some shit has gone down, some one has to track down a killer. Thank­fully they do it with­out any cliches like foot­prints or bro­ken twigs. Only prob­lem is that the bad guy turns out to be a moron, which I guess is a state­ment on unfair­ness found in life but it doesn’t make for grip­ping cin­ema. I semi-remember watch­ing one west­ern where the bad guy walks into a woman’s home, steals her husband’s money and has her make him break­fast. All the while she’s ter­ri­fied. The hus­band comes home, the bad guy kills him in front of the wife, he fin­ishes his break­fast, kills the wife and departs the house leav­ing a cry­ing unat­tended baby who surely will also die. That’s a bad guy. This film lacked one.
Man Bear Pig?
And why did Jeff have to kill the horse. He returns to save the girl after about ten min­utes. There is a shot of him with two horses just before he returns and he’s lead­ing an extra horse. They could have just rid­den back to where he left it and rode home safely. But i guess, as Wynn says, every­one in the films needs to get shot at least once.

It was brown, the girl’s char­ac­ter was very good, the plot and the rest were just another run of the mill west­ern. Don’t know quite why it was raved about. In clos­ing, I couldn’t shift the thought that Hailee Ste­in­feld had Will Smith’s eyes and Jer­maine Jenas’ gorm­less face com­plete with the same front tooth gap.

Video games, the art form for the 21st century?

With films going the way of all action no plot and a lot of mod­ern art so inane, per­haps it is time for video games to become the art form of the 21st cen­tury. Films com­bine sto­ry­telling and char­ac­ter analy­sis with a stark visual styles that have the power to astound, but this type of cin­ema is becom­ing rarer and increas­ingly not told in Eng­lish. Thought pro­vok­ing cin­ema is shunted away from main­stream audi­ences to make way for the likes of Trans­form­ers 2, Prince of Per­sia and Clash of the Titans and while many crit­ics point to block­buster movies being noth­ing more than video game plots, this mis­in­ter­prets almost entirely what video games are. In the art world, six hun­dred years ago paint­ings lacked visual per­spec­tive and art was mostly con­cerned with reli­gious iconog­ra­phy. As time pro­gressed move­ments came and went, real­ity crept into what artists depicted and visual styles evolved. And yet no admired artist in the 21st cen­tury is paint­ing land­scapes like Turner once did with the form rel­e­gated to that of a mere hobby prac­ticed by old men sit­ting on cliff faces with their water colours. While art like cin­ema has the power to astound, its authored hand has become so man­nered that with­out it almost all mod­ern art becomes a total joke. In this year’s Turner Prize Angela de la Cruz exhib­ited a three legged chair placed on a stool. Another was a basic orange plas­tic chair that had col­lapsed. These things, taken as they should be from a clearly objec­tive point of view are point­less and yet that does not stop crit­ics opin­ing about the deeper mean­ings behind the sup­posed art. For there has to be a mean­ing and these crit­ics must find it, or the emperor’s new clothes will be truly exposed. For the art world to con­tinue to exist both the crit­ics and the artist must find a nar­ra­tive from some­where to ele­vate the art on dis­play from being an arbi­trary object in a room to that of eso­teric value. More often than not, to under­stand a piece of mod­ern art, you will need to read a blurb explic­itly telling you what you should be think­ing and feel­ing whilst view­ing, whereas pre­vi­ous works like the Sis­tine Chapel sim­ply aston­ished with its majesty; Michael Angelo never once left a note.

Twenty five years ago video game char­ac­ters were pix­e­lated dots that, because humans per­son­ify every­thing, were deemed to be rep­re­sen­ta­tive of the human form. With the unprece­dented advance­ment in tech­nol­ogy devel­op­ers can almost cre­ate a life­like face and some, like those behind L.A. Noire are try­ing to include facial nuances into their work to make mod­els even more believ­able. Visu­ally video games sur­passed tra­di­tional art forms long ago, photo real­is­tic land­scapes avail­able for over a decade but games aren’t lim­ited to a can­vas, they are much broader in scope for they cre­ate worlds. And yet in their ambi­tion the prob­lems devel­op­ers encounter allow crit­ics of the form to dis­miss video games out of hand as an art form. What seems to be hold­ing video games back more than any­thing are the nar­ra­tives con­tained within the games both in terms of qual­ity and execution.

For many years, and indeed still today, sto­ries in video games are told in sequen­tial order. You play for a bit, trig­ger a part of the story, play more, get more story, fight a boss, have a rev­e­la­tion, com­plete the game and wit­ness the cli­max in a gen­er­ally longer cut scene. This is the tra­di­tional form of telling a story that has been wedged into games and for some observers it is both anti­quated and no longer an accept­able form of sto­ry­telling. In his sem­i­nal book Extra Lives Tom Bis­sell explores the dis­so­nance between the chal­lenge of games and the need to tell a story. Nar­ra­tive can only go for­ward, but games in their nature fight progress offer­ing a chal­lenge that must be over­come and often this requires rep­e­ti­tion that detracts from a lit­er­ary stand­point. Sto­ries are lin­ear and in the 1990s games could be too, but wit­ness­ing the reac­tion to Final Fan­tasy XIII we learnt that those days are over, gamers like art enthu­si­asts demand innovation.

To address this dis­cord between sto­ry­telling and inter­ac­tiv­ity video games have intro­duced dynam­ics that allow gamers to go down var­i­ous paths towards the game’s end, often pit­ting the out­come on moral choices taken within the game. This device has been received well and is becom­ing increas­ingly sub­tle. One of the cre­ators of Heavy Rain com­mented that play-testers found the game seem­ingly too easy and with­out chal­lenge because they didn’t lose a life or restart from a check­point if, for instance, they let a bad guy escape. The game would just carry on but, unbe­knownst to the gamer, the game had logged the event only to man­i­fest the con­se­quence of that fail­ure later. Like­wise in the Mass Effect series moral choices under­pin the nar­ra­tive in such a stark way that any num­ber of out­comes are avail­able and watch­ing the result of other gamers’ playthroughs on YouTube is fascinating.

Yet these are two games that have been lauded for their attempts at plac­ing a strong nar­ra­tive at the heart of the expe­ri­ence to the pos­si­ble detri­ment of what a game is and what its sup­posed to do, i.e. be fun to play. Many play­ers bemoan the com­bat of the Mass Effect games and the jerk­i­ness of the con­trol sys­tem epit­o­mised by the way in which in order to climb over a waist high object you need to take cover crouch­ing beside it before hop­ping over. In a game where the story is the focal point gamers com­plained that the shoot­ing parts felt some­what tacked on despite its involv­ing real time point and shoot mechan­ics merged with R.P.G. style turn based spell cast­ing. Along with Heavy Rain these games at times felt like inter­ac­tive movies, which for devel­op­ers cre­ates a real prob­lem as their game is then held up against tra­di­tional nar­ra­tive forms like movies.

What many crit­ics of video games fail to realise is that the nar­ra­tive script­ing of the game is often cre­ated at a much later stage in devel­op­ment. With dead­lines loom­ing words are hur­riedly typed, actors hired and lines jammed into games. Game devel­op­ers pri­mar­ily have to make the game play well, as they know that gamers will for­give them any mul­ti­tude of retarded char­ac­ter­i­sa­tions if the game plays well. Super Street Fighter IV is the pin­na­cle of the fight­ing genre but for its lat­est release the devel­op­ers attempted to add a lit­tle back­story as to why the incred­i­bly var­ied cast are enter­ing a fight­ing tour­na­ment. Abel, a French grap­pler wear­ing shorts, shin pads and the upper half of a karate kit is found crouch­ing in the street. It’s rain­ing and he’s hold­ing an umbrella. The cam­era pans down and we see he’s pro­tect­ing a puppy from the rain. “Hey there lit­tle guy. Let’s see if we can’t keep you dry for a bit. Where’s your mother? [said with a tone so ambigu­ous I’m not sure whether he wants to punch her or make love to her] I don’t see any other dogs around. Hmm. No col­lar either. All alone, are you?” We then cut to a shot of Abel look­ing toward a bal­cony with a mil­i­tary man hold­ing the puppy. “I’ll be back as soon as I fig­ure out what Shadaloo is all about. Take care of the lit­tle one while I’m away.” The final shot has Abel walk­ing across a bridge, “I’ll return once my jour­ney is com­plete. Then I can give him a name, buy him a col­lar and I…Then I won’t be alone any more.” The end­ing is also sim­i­larly ris­i­ble as is the case for the twenty four other char­ac­ters. When writ­ing is bad, it really sticks out grind­ing against what peo­ple would say nat­u­rally. Gamers know this, and put up with it, because they are play­ing the game, but to an observer the words and the act­ing is the only expe­ri­ence they are privy to. Whilst play­ing Final Fan­tasy XIII, the nar­ra­tive is devoid of any sub­stance, but being Final Fan­tasy one has to sit through hours of mean­der­ing cut scenes that are intended to pose ques­tions of moral­ity and love. My girl­friend, sit­ting next to me while brows­ing the inter­net on her lap­top, would often pause, look at me, look at the screen then back to me and just shake her head ques­tion­ing how I could play such non­sense. The answer is that games are so much more than the story alone. Books require the reader to imag­ine a world, lead by the author to come up with their own inter­pre­ta­tive mean­ing of the prose. Films give us a fully realised world in which a story is aug­mented by pac­ing, tone, music, cin­e­matog­ra­phy and emo­tional res­o­nance that approaches a true to life depic­tion of real­ity. Yet games can go fur­ther and put you at the heart of the story in a way no other medium can.

Whilst peo­ple like Tom Bis­sell rage against the qual­ity of the writ­ing, and he has every right to, per­haps because he is an author he demands too much from games. He appears to want the fran­tic emo­tions gleamed from play­ing with some­thing acutely intel­lec­tual that can be held up the light of crit­i­cal think­ing. How­ever to make this kind of game, with a story appre­ci­ated by edu­cated adults and yet have the dynamism of a first per­son shooter is nigh on impos­si­ble. Maybe games should no longer be con­sid­ered against movies at all, so dif­fer­ent are they that the dis­so­nance will never be resolved. Per­haps it is bet­ter to set video games against books and music instead. Last week I got an email from a friend who said he had finally read Mikhail Bulgakov’s, The Mas­ter and Magerita, ten years after I rec­om­mended it. He said it was unbe­liev­ably bril­liant and think­ing back it is a truly mag­i­cal book. How­ever there is no way that I could describe the plot of the book at all, aside from a brief out­line. The joy that read­ing brings is our feel­ing about the work once we’ve read it. The nar­ra­tive fades quickly away but the emo­tions felt when think­ing about a book stay with you for­ever. I can rec­om­mend dozens of books from my uni­ver­sity days but if asked detailed ques­tions about any I would strug­gle. Music is the same. The lyrics are merely a guide, the emo­tion is all tied up in the song that can pro­duce time­less clas­sics that evoke within us an unlim­ited range of emo­tions. This too, is what games cre­ate. In Extra Lives Tom Bis­sell recounts a sin­gle match of Left for Dead that will stay with him for­ever. As gamers we’ve all had these moments, from get­ting a nuke for the first time on Mod­ern War­fare 2, to defeat­ing Rag­naros in World of War­craft, a gamer expe­ri­ences emo­tions so pow­er­ful that being com­pared to a movie can­not begin to get close to the video game expe­ri­ence. Every sin­gle gamer has their own indeli­ble moments ingrained and it is this expe­ri­ence that ele­vates video games to an art form.

Still though peo­ple try to draw a nar­ra­tive out wher­ever pos­si­ble. If you watch a game of foot­ball and a striker goes passed four play­ers then strikes a 30 yard screamer with the out­side of his foot he will undoubt­edly be asked about it after the game and how it felt scor­ing such a goal. Putting that raw feel­ing into words is incred­i­bly dif­fi­cult and any attempts will fall short. More often than not, the player will utter things like, “Yeah, as I say, I took the ball well, and just set off really, then I was lucky with the shot, but it’s more impor­tant that the team won and secured the points on the board.” Nar­ra­tives try hard to get at emo­tion but dra­matic real life expe­ri­ences can never be emu­lated by words. While many are dis­mis­sive of games and the mer­its of their worth you can­not take away the fact that play­ing games is extremely enjoy­able. And as tech­nol­ogy improves, we move closer to a point where games take over from real life as the dri­ving force of emo­tional enrichment.

One game in par­tic­u­lar that has had more press than any other as regards the detri­ment of real life is World of War­craft. In the game the mul­ti­tude of things the player can do is almost lim­it­less and yet its game­world is sur­pris­ing con­fined. Play­ers have no choices to make, no nar­ra­tive paths to choose and defeated foes sim­ply respawn to be killed and killed over and over until the next instance is released. There is also very lim­ited inter­ac­tiv­ity with the non-playing char­ac­ters the com­puter con­trols, pro­vid­ing one line responses at best. How­ever the quests in the game where the authored nar­ra­tive exists, despite many protes­ta­tions, are sur­pris­ingly good, with witty asides and pop cul­ture ref­er­ences at almost every turn. What World of War­craft does bet­ter than any other game is cre­ate a user expe­ri­ence unpar­al­leled in terms of chal­lenge, team­work and enjoy­ment. Gamers are not genre spe­cific in the way that a kid who likes Super­bad is highly unlikely to rent a ret­ro­spec­tive of Polanski’s work. The only cri­te­rion a player cares about is whether the game is good and WoW is amaz­ing. Player ver­sus player matches cre­ate so much ten­sion, fury and ela­tion purely because the player knows the oppos­ing model is a real player not an A.I. bot. On the flip­side twenty five play­ers can team up and coör­di­nate intri­cately to develop strate­gies to defeat seem­ingly insur­mount­able A.I bosses. Then there is the craft­ing, pro­fes­sions, item­iza­tion, every day duties your char­ac­ter can do, quests, smaller dun­geons and explo­ration, lots of explo­ration. WoW suc­ceeds because it puts the emo­tional expe­ri­ence first and fore­most in its lists of pri­or­i­ties. The graph­ics are near­ing woe­ful given it is run­ning off an engine that was released in 2004, and despite graph­i­cal over­hauls to the spells, the world and char­ac­ter mod­els are sim­ple with the lim­ited musi­cal score looped repeat­edly for­ever. Yet these fail­ings never detract from the expe­ri­ence, partly because WoW has a reward sys­tem in place that will never fail to get gamers beg­ging for more but also because of the rela­tion­ships play­ers form with each other. These rela­tion­ships develop quickly, out of mutual inter­est and are required to suc­ceed in WoW’s game­world. This is why ques­tions of authored nar­ra­tive need not be applied to games where human inter­ac­tion super­sedes the frame­work put in place by the game’s cre­ators. The world within War­craft is every bit as real as every­day life, because it is pop­u­lated by real people.

Both Grand Theft Auto IV and the Assassin’s Creed series have sought to cre­ate believ­able life like game worlds and come very close but despite their valiant efforts once you have expe­ri­enced a mas­sively mul­ti­player world pop­u­lated by thou­sands of real peo­ple no man­ner of well writ­ten scripted nar­ra­tive can hide the fact you are play­ing a game, designed by peo­ple with the inten­tion that you expe­ri­ence exactly what they had in mind. There is noth­ing in these games you could go to a devel­oper with and say I did this and it was incred­i­ble, with­out him or her know­ing that was what you were sup­posed to be feel­ing. When you play a sin­gle player game, you are con­strained by the bound­aries of the developer’s world, which is why these worlds feel so ulti­mately empty. It won’t be long before all games are online, with the sin­gle player expe­ri­ence cosigned to the past and this is to the ben­e­fit of video games. Humans need to com­mu­ni­cate, need to tell sto­ries and by clos­ing off games to a sin­gu­lar per­spec­tive the emo­tional expe­ri­ence is reduced expo­nen­tially. To illus­trate this point one only needs to play Angry Birds. The game is a chal­lenge, but there is no point to it. It is addic­tive because of its chal­lenge but once com­pleted there is no rea­son to play it again or remem­ber it. The frus­tra­tion felt while strug­gling through try­ing to get three stars on each level dis­ap­pears once achieved and is not replaced by any last­ing feel­ing of sat­is­fac­tion. Con­trast this with a game of Bat­tle­field: Bad Com­pany 2 where you single-handedly storm a base in your quad bike, lay anti-tank mines around the enemy base, stealth into a build­ing killing defend­ers, before out-flanking another three, demol­ish­ing a build­ing while watch­ing an enemy tank explode before your team arrives to back you up to cap­ture the base. For that moment you feel god­like, like you have achieved some­thing spe­cial and tan­gi­ble that rates as highly as a real life achieve­ment all because every­one around you is human. Were this against a com­puter, the feel­ing cre­ated would never reach the heights of unbri­dled joy that can be attained when play­ing online.

To even ques­tion whether video games are an art form is ask­ing from an out­dated cri­te­rion. Video games are the result of thou­sands of hours of cre­ative work to pro­duce some­thing so unique with scope to become the true mir­ror to real life in the way books, films and music aspire to be. By com­bin­ing strong nar­ra­tive, incred­i­ble visual and aural style with emo­tional res­o­nance video games will surely become the medium of choice for the 21st cen­tury. One final exam­ple of how far games have come in mak­ing play­ers invest emo­tion­ally and com­pletely believe in the game worlds pre­sented to them comes from my friend who played Cham­pi­onship Man­ager. In this game you take con­trol of a foot­ball club and are in charge of sign­ing play­ers, imple­ment­ing train­ing regimes, over­see­ing tac­tics, off-field sta­dium redesign and con­tract nego­ti­a­tions. At a cer­tain point in his 15th sea­son one of my friend’s play­ers who had started as a fresh faced 18 year old was now a creak­ing has-been unable to make any sus­tained impact in the first team. My friend could never bring him­self to sell a player he had grown so attached to after invest­ing hun­dreds of hours into the game and kept the vir­tual player vir­tu­ally employed for rea­sons of nos­tal­gia. He waited until the Cham­pi­ons League Final was all but won by his team and gave this player a ten minute run out at the end of the match as to give him a way to go out on a high, to win the big cup one last time and say farewell to the fans. Accord­ing to my friend, “it almost brought a tear to my eye as I subbed him on think­ing, ‘he’ll appre­ci­ate that.’” To put this in con­text Cham­pi­onship Man­ager was at the time, entirely text based with no images or player mod­els to speak off. He had cre­ated the nar­ra­tive on his own with the aid of the devel­oper hav­ing mim­ic­ked what it means to be a sup­porter so well. No medium exist­ing today can get close to what video games offer their players.

Shit Art for Rich People

fam­ily has a lot, and I mean a lot of shit art in its houses. There’s some real tripe from Tracey Emin, a pic­ture of man in a car­pet, some prints and aside from it all being uni­ver­sally awful, it’s also very very expen­sive. Since so much mod­ern art is toi­let, I’m going to start my own line in shit art that will hope­fully be pur­chased by rich pre­ten­tious morons just like them dis­cern­ing con­nois­seurs of up-and-coming British art mak­ing me wealthy beyond Oliver Denton’s wildest dreams.

I give you my first work, Moon with a blurb lifted from the art world.

In this work Whyte increas­ingly con­fronts not just the agen­cies of insti­tu­tion­alised lone­li­ness but also the yearn­ing for self-definition and greater con­for­mity within the aes­thetic of his age. A momen­tous triumph.

Yours for $10,000. It’s a one off and once it’s sold once, it will not longer be avail­able; that shit (art for rich peo­ple) is gone for good

Facebook founding fathers?

A lot of good stuff, real good stuff has been writ­ten about Face­book, cul­mi­nat­ing in the movie adap­ta­tion The Social Net­work but no one has really got to the crux of the debate of just who Mark Zucker­berg really is. A recluse? A mis­un­der­stood genius? A nice-guy-really-don’t-believe-the-movie-hype? Or is he, really, Lord Bernard Stuart!?!?!?!1!!

This bomb­shell may come as a sur­prise, but after count­less hours of research and 43 sec­onds in paint, I have found con­clu­sive proof that Mark Zucker­berg and his Face­book / Nap­ster cohort Sean Parker are none other than Lords Bernard and John Stu­art. As is clear, Mr. Zucker­berg bares an uncanny resem­blance to Lord Bernard Stu­art and while Sean Parker looks noth­ing like his 1638 ren­der­ing, the fact Face­book has two promi­nent founders and this paint­ing has two men shows that Sean Parker must unequiv­o­cally be Lord John Stuart.

Quite how these two passed through time, brushed up on cod­ing and released Face­book is unclear but isn’t odd (it is don’t worry about that) that both broth­ers lived only until they were 23?! And how old was Zucker­berg when he founded Face­book? 20. Pre­cisely! And how old was Parker when he helped cre­ate Nap­ster? 20 as well! Incred­i­blah! In all like­li­hood, Lords Bernard and John Stu­art found the req­ui­site hole in the matrix or uplink from the ani­mus, left 17th cen­tury Eng­land and learned Amer­i­can mean­while simul­ta­ne­ously employ­ing two ser­vants to pre­tend to be them with explicit instruc­tions to kill them­selves three years later with cas­kets of gold being deliv­ered to the fam­i­lies of the deceased as pay­ment for this elab­o­rate ruse. How else to explain a ten­u­ous sim­i­lar­ity of facial fea­tures in Anthony van Dyck’s paint­ing Lord John Stu­art and his Brother, Lord Bernard Stu­art with­out try­ing not to laugh at the word Dyck?

Good Clips

Just a series of clips, that I might write about later, that really shocked or amazed me. The first from an episode of the excep­tional Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Com­plex 2nd Gig:

I’ve always liked those twist moments, when out of nowhere comes a bolt of awe­some that just makes you smile. It’s hard to show in a clip but here’s num­ber two. Just lis­ten to the response from the crowd to get a feel­ing of how big an event this was:

Debut from heaven next, Danny Rose made him­self an instant leg­end. There’s an episode of 30 Rock where Jack attempts to be as happy as he was on his sixth birth­day just like the look of unbri­dled joy on Rose’s face:

This next clip is awe­some, remem­bered it after play­ing Braid and my friend’s descrip­tion of Super Meat Boy. Ass­hole Mario is one tough game and this is just level one!