Questions to ask a Christian
by jamie whyte
Why are people mental? Or, more to the point, why are people Christians? Obviously you can substitute Christians with any other religion you like but let’s stick with Christianity ‘cos they’re definitely the most mental of all. There are so many ways to attack the belief system of Christianity it would be almost wrong if wasn’t so fun and easy. But let’s run through a few, just in case you ever need to counter the delusional babble of a believer.
I tried explaining the book of Genesis in class and was told to stop lying by my students. Being Taiwanese, they’re mainly Buddhist if anything and know little about the Good Word. They know Jesus and God and the cross but that’s it so I tried to broaden their minds a little. God said, bam light, bam planets, bam plants. They were down with this, ‘cos the big bang theory doesn’t make sense to them (and neither does it to you). So then, God got some dust and made man. They bought this, only if they didn’t want to appear as if they’d misheard and that there might be a second meaning to dust. Man got bored and so God took out a rib and made woman. This was when everyone started talking amongst themselves as if I’d begun a diatribe about Apple’s price discrepancies in the UK. I went on with the snake and the apple, about how God doesn’t like vegetables for no apparent reason (LoL Able, how you like me now?), and the strangeness of many a bible story:
hey, Ahab, go kill your son.
Yeah, do it! Do it for me!
Psyche, just kidding, put the knife down.
Point is, is that modern day Christianity says all of this is allegory and not to be taken seriously, but then you can’t really pick and choose which bits to believe. Take George Lucas, I wanna pretend Episodes 1, 2 and 3 didn’t happen and Indiana Jones 4, but no amount of La-la-la-ing isn’t going to make it so. If you say no gays please, don’t all of a sudden about face and say, gay people now accepted into heaven. And if the Bible has a quota on heaven of 144,000, don’t you think recruiting people to your mental way of life is a little detrimental to your chances of making it in?
If you ever wonder about questions to ask a Christian choose any topics from the following to enjoy a truly roundabout answer:
the creation of hell – it’s not in Judaism.
original sin – lolwut?,
Satan’s rebellion – Angel War!!!!! no no no no no.
Buying your way to heaven – ummmz like loyalty points?
Suicide = insta hell. Paedo priests and celibacy – kek.
Why do good Christians die in horrible ways?
Why are most Christians pro war, pro guns?
The Holy Ghost is what now?
So which is right, Catholicism or the Protestant Church?
Sex before marriage = hell?
No recreated images of God — but there’s a whole heap of Jesus statues out there.
And on and on and on.
You won’t beat a Christian with logic because they lean on the “it’s a faith thing,” and therefore out of the normal bounds of questioning but it f*cking isn’t and really, the only way to beat a Christian is with a bat or to highlight how f*cking retarded they are by recreating the trials of Job on them and spending your days plotting to ruin every last one of them until they repent their bonkers ideals and join the rest of us of planet Earth.
I just find it scary that to be President of the USA or the Prime Minister of the UK (and probably a lot of Western countries) you need to be a practicing Christian. Why? Why does sitting in church on a Sunday listening to some bullsh*t sermon make you more capable of governing a nation or respected in the eyes of voters? It’s just so utterly depressing.